Thursday, May 14, 2009

Honesty

I'm feeling honest today so I think I'm going to get a few things off of my chest.

Today I made an appointment with a doctor that may change my life forever. It is with a reproductive endocrinologist. My husband and I spent just under 2 years "not trying for" but "not preventing" a baby. A few months after I graduated from college we decided to stop my medication and just see what happens. Well nothing happened. Slowly and painfully...every month...nothing happened. I've known that I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) since I was about 16 years old. I make too much insulin, too much testosterone, and I do not ovulate so I will not have my period unless I'm on pills to make me do so. It did not start out that way but about the age of 16 things started to change. My mom took me to her doctor which is where they diagnosed me. My doctor warned me at the time that it might be difficult to concieve but I was hoping that it would just happen I guess. We didn't tell anyone. Not even my best friend. I was only 22 years old at the time so I convinced myself that I was too young to be complaining to my doctor about infertility. I decided that I must not be mature enough or deserving enough to have a baby so that is why God decided we didn't need a child. So I said nothing to my doctor...

About a year ago I began dieting and working out so I could become healthy. I gained over 100 lbs during college. I'm not proud of it. I spent all my time doing homework and graduated with almost a 3.9 gpa but it took a major toll on my body. I'm so overweight right now that many complications could come along with pregnancy...gestational diabetes, pre eclampsia, miscarriage. I've lost 40 pounds in the last year but have hit a plateau that I have not been able to get over. I decided to make the appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist so she can help me work towards having children. Whether that be helping me with a diet plan or helping control my insulin and hormone levels...we'll see.

Mother's day the last few years has been heartbreaking but I deal with it. My husband and I were married very young and people are always asking when we are going to have kids. I usually lie and say that we're not ready yet. It is easier than explaining that we can't have any. More and more of our friends that were married a LONG time after we were are having children. I want so badly to be happy for them but somewhere inside of me...I'm not. I hate myself when I get hurt, angry, or jealous because others are being blessed with children. I feel like such a bad person and I don't like that.

I just happened to find a website for this doctor today and before I knew it I had the phone in my hand and was speaking with the receptionist. I've never had the courage to do that before. I don't know. We'll see how this goes. Kevin is very excited about the appointment and can't wait to go with me. I'm scared. Please be praying that we hear good news and something blessed will come out of this.

4 comments:

Jenilee said...

I'll be praying for you!

Dianne said...

Yes, Katy, I will pray with you. My husband and I are doing a Semi-South Beach and I just started posting some of the things that we are eating if you want to "hop" over (no pun intended) and take a look. Thank you for your honesty.

Harky's Soulmate said...

Hello. Do you have an email address or somewhere I can send a personal message to you. I feel like I found your page for 2 reasons...One-because you had an amazing quote for MckMama's picture and 2-because we are similar in so many ways, that we could be twins. Let me know! My email is: Beth@Harknesshome.com

Thank you!
Beth

Leslie Raffelson said...

Just a word of encouragement. I was never diagnosed with PCOS until I was PREGNANT! That pregnancy was a miracle because I was told very early that I may not be able to concieve. My husband and I have been together 18 years and I only took birth control about 2 of those years. This past January, we gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. So there is hope. I always knew something was different, but no doctor had ever mentioned PCOS until I saw a doctor when I was trying to figure out why I didn't feel well...pregnant was the answer, but he also explained PCOS to me and then it all clicked.