Sunday, January 10, 2010

The rest of the story...

Now...onto the rest of the story. Like I said before I have a little spare time this afternoon and I'm using it to plan a menu, blog, and go grocery shopping. There are several reasons that I have some time today so I guess I'll go through them one by one....

-My house is clean. Not perfect or organized but acceptable so I'm content.

-Kevin has gone with my brother to their "lease" to watch wildlife today. Not everyone knows but Kevin has PTSD from the invasion of Iraq and had a panic attack while deer hunting several years ago and really hasn't been back since then. He loved hunting so it was very sad to see but he seems very excited to be going today.

-I've made the decision to take the spring semester of grad school off. I'm kind of at a crossroads in my graduate education. I applied to school on a whim and then didn't finish my application because I couldn't decide if Instructional Technology was the program I wanted to enter. Unexpectedly I was accepted anyway and then even received what I now realize is a pretty prestigious scholarship that allows me to take classes part time...so I enrolled. I've reach a point where I've got to decide for sure if Instructional Technology is definitely the program I want or to transfer programs. I think I want to be a high school guidance counselor. I really need some time to think and deal with a few things that are going on. I've been praying for some kind of guidance. I made the final decision after contacting the admin office for my scholarship and finding out that they would defer my scholarship until the summer for me to use and that I could still continue to receive it each following year should I return. I was so thankful.

-Last week was the first week back at work. My students were very good overall and I was happy to see them. My schedule is the same this semester so it should go well.

-The holiday season went well but was a little trying at times. Dealing with company and traveling is always stressful. I have wonderful family but I've had a little inner turmoil that made things harder.

-I guess the "inner turmoil" I've been talking about is the fact that this month Kevin and I made our first medically assisted attempt at having a baby and it didn't work. At this point we spent just about 2 years trying without any medical assistance. I was put on clomid by my doctor but I still never ovulated. I've always known I have problems but deep in my heart I hoped that the medicine would be the cure. I spent day after day testing with the ovulation sticks just to get the same answer over and over. It was heartbreaking. I don't think we will be taking anything again for a while. I need some time. I'm dieting again and taking the time off with school so I can focus on letting God heal my heart.

-I thought I was dealing with our disappointment well and pretending like it didn't bother me but apparently I wasn't. On the final day we found out for sure that it didn't work we went to dinner with a mutual friend of Kevin and I and it ended badly. After I'd spent an hour listening to them tell me how weird, stupid, and untrustworthy that Kevin and I are...I finally just stood up and left. Walked right out in the middle of their sentence. I got so angry listening to someone talk to Kevin that way. That is usually the way it goes...call me stupid...fine...but do not talk to Kevin like that. So I'm sure our friend is mad but I'm too hurt to care. As I sat there listening to them, I had this revelation that since they said those things...they must not have ever really known me as well as I thought they did. Sure, I was probably emotional from knowing that our attempt didn't work but I know I would've still been disappointed in the way they acted anyway. I don't know if the friendship will ever be the same. Now I've heard that our friend is hurting for other reasons than our fight and my initial reaction is to want to comfort them but I really don't know what to do. I don't know if I can.

So that is our life right now. In the middle of needing to make decisions & continue with life when I just want to sleep constantly because that is the only time it doesn't hurt. Thankfully the scholarship deferment has eased the stress a little. I'm looking forward to having some time this semester to cook and spend time with Kevin. We need it.

2 comments:

* Tyly * said...

Oh Katy, I'm so sorry for how tough things are right now. God has a plan for you and Kevin, and it is a great one! I'll say a prayer for you.

Becky said...

You've had a lot going on...and I am sorry your try this time didn't work :( That's always disapointing. You know I never ovulated normal at all and always have had very off periods...well, I tell people that are trying b/c maybe this will work for you too...I dunno! But a friend told me to try the first seven days after you stopped your period-have sex every night for seven days. I went through boxes of ovulation tests and never positive, the shots, the clomid...nothing worked..but we tried like that and for some reason it WORKED with off periods and everything! So you never know....it's worth a try! <3 Becky